Why does she?

Why does she get so angry? Why won’t she come hang out? Why didn’t she come to my party? Why does she go silent?

I can’t speak for everyone on this subject. Depression and anxiety are not textbook. They are not the same for everyone, but for me…

They steal my happiness. They are the voice inside my head that screams HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. They make me over think. They make me think my kids deserve a better mother, and my husband deserves a better wife.

They steal my health. Why is she always asleep? Why? Because I physically can not get out of my bed. My anxiety has me so terrified that something is going to happen, that I can’t even force myself to get up. I get headaches, nauseous, and dizzy.

They steal my motivation. Why don’t you ever cook? Do you know how many mornings I wake up and say “Today’s the day! I’m going to cook, clean, play with the dog, cuddle the kids, and love on my husband!”? Every. Single. Day. How many days have I accomplished all of this in the last few years? A handful.

This isn’t even all that my anxiety and depression have put me through. There’s the suicidal thoughts, constant physical and emotional pain, constant dreams that make Stephen King’s books look like a fairy tale, and more.

Baby, please don’t think it’s you. Please know that it’s all me, and thank you for being there for me through it all.



Four months.

Four months is all it took for you to tear my world apart and change me completely.

When we first met I was excited. I was shocked that someone would want to be with me. We started dating, and we spent all of our time together, but that’s what happens when you start falling for someone. You don’t want to be apart from them for even a second.

Then it all started. It started with you taking my innocence. You knew I was waiting for sex until marriage, but you took that choice away from me. You forced me into sex with you every day. Finally I just started agreeing because I knew if I didn’t, you’d take it anyway.

You took my brothers suicide and used it against me. Every time we had an argument (which if you don’t remember, it was more than once a day), you pulled out your gun and threatened to kill yourself. You even made me load it for you. You probably don’t remember, but I have the scars that remind me every day that I did everything I could to keep you from killing yourself. I didn’t know it then, but you never had the intention of actually pulling the trigger. You just wanted to get into my head.

You tried to get me pregnant so we would have to be in each others lives forever.

You bought me a phone, but that’s all you ever gave me. You bought it for me so you would be able to get ahold of me anywhere, anytime. If I didn’t answer it, you’d accuse me of cheating on you.

You’d tell me how I could and couldn’t dress. You wouldn’t let me wear makeup because you didn’t want me to look pretty for anyone but you. I had to wear my hair down and straight. You made me tell my mom that I was going to move with you to Oklahoma, and that I was never going to listen to what she said again. You told me I wasn’t allowed to go to Walmart with her and my grandma, because if I was away from you, I wouldn’t be under your control.

Every day I regret letting you come into my 16 year old life. I regret not seeing the warning signs. I regret that I let you convince me that you loved me.

Now I know what happiness really is. I have a husband who loves me and two children who are the biggest blessings. I’m not being controlled. I have someone who respects my boundaries, and understands why I wont do certain things. I’m no longer afraid. I’m not afraid of the consequences if I don’t listen. I’m not afraid of arguments. I’m not afraid of saying no.

You see, you may have had a huge impact on who I was, but you don’t have my future. You don’t have control over me anymore.

Just the Wife

I don’t remember where we were, but someone asked if I have was the active duty member, and I said no, my husband is. He said “Oh, so you’re just the wife.” Now, most people I know would get offended by that statement. I, however, did not.

I AM just the wife.

I am just the wife who listens to her kids cry for their daddy.

I am just the wife who calls plumbers, electricians, doctors, and any other place that needs it.

I am just the wife who does the grocery shopping, makes sure the bills are paid on time, and budgets the account.

I am just the wife who loves her husband unconditionally. Just the wife who supports her husband, no matter the cost.

I am just the wife, but I’m also so much more.

Dear Husband

Dear husband,

I haven’t forgotten about you. I haven’t forgotten your needs, wants, or goals. I haven’t forgotten your love language or what makes you tick.

I haven’t forgotten the park or the car wash or the movies. I haven’t forgotten the time you stayed up all night working on our scrapbook just to surprise me. I certainly haven’t forgotten the spring break road trip.

I can’t forget the way you were there for me after my wreck, during our miscarriage, and during my many surgeries. I can’t forget the way you looked while holding Madison and Gatlin for the first time.

I love watching you play with the kids and work on your stencils. I love hearing you really laugh. I love holding you at night and feeling your heart beat. I love that you will do anything for our family.

I love you, us, and our kids. I love who we were, who we are, and who we will be. I can’t wait to see what our future holds.


Your wife

Fighting the Fight

There are things that have happened since I had my first child, Madison. Things that I would have never expected to happen to me, especially at twenty-three.

One thing I’ve learned these last five years is that I was blessed to become a young mom.

I’ve recently had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and adenomyosis. They took out my uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, and they left my ovaries. This means all of my baby making organs were removed with the hope that I would not be in pain anymore. That means that if I didn’t have my daughter at eighteen or my son at twenty, I wouldn’t be a mom to biological children, ever.

I was one of the lucky ones. In the group I’m in, there are some women who haven’t been able to have children, but had to have the surgery. My heart aches for them because they will never know they joy of pregnancy or feel the pains of labor.

At three weeks post op, I can say that this was the best decision I could have made for myself. If any other hyster sister’s are reading this, know you’re not alone in your fight.


Blown Away

There’s a storm coming. It’s supposed to be a big one. She sits and listens to the weather, getting more and more worried as she hears it blow in. The weather man says its a supercell storm and to be prepared to take shelter, so she sits and she waits.
There it is. The annoying, fearful shriek of the sirens. It’s coming and it’s huge. She grabs her kids and takes shelter in the closet. Her only hope for protection against this monster.
She feels the walls of her house start to shake, trying to withstand the force of the wind. She grabs onto her kids and pulls them in tight. She has to protect them.
As the twister comes overhead it tears her house apart. Brick by brick, board by board. Her daughter is starting to scream Mommy I’m scared!” She starts to reassure her that she won’t let anything happen to her, but its too late as this dangerous tornado rips the roof off and tries to suck her daughter out of her arms.
Then it happens. Her daughter starts to slip. Her grip isn’t strong enough. She fights it. Holding onto her daughters hand as the twister tries to take away her baby girl.
Her daughter is screaming “Mommy! Mommy!!” but it’s too late. Mommy can’t hold on anymore and her daughter slips into the darkness of the storm. Screaming.


They were driving. They were going on a family trip, just him, his wife, and their two kids. They decided to take the scenic route, get away from the city for a while. Suddenly there was a car swerving in and out of their lane heading straight into their vehicle. He swerved trying to avoid a wreck and he went straight off the bridge and into the water below.
Who should she try save? Her children? If so, which child first? Or should she try to save her husband who was knocked out during the crash?
She goes to try to save her kids. Their life is just beginning. They don’t deserve to die by drowning. Her husband, if he would EVER wake up, knows how to swim and could get out of there on his own. She had to make up her mind quick, as their truck was sinking quickly.
She gets her kids free, out of their car seats, and up to safety. She turned to see if she had time to get her husband, but the truck was gone. Underwater. She knew it was too late and there was nothing she could do. He was gone.