Zero

The only question I have is “Why?”

Why did you decide to leave us? Didn’t you know that I needed you? I still  need you. Did you think about all the things you’d miss? My graduation, my wedding, meeting my kids?

It’s been 13 years. December 18, 2000 is a day I will never forget. It’s the day I didn’t get to say goodbye. It’s the day my world shattered, and will never be the same again. It’s the day the whole family changed.

I still think about you everyday. I wonder who you’d be, if you would have had kids, be married, what you would be doing.

I’ve needed you so much over the years. I’ve needed someone to talk to, to help me. My kids would love you. You’d be their favorite uncle. MR gives the best hugs, and GM would just melt your heart.

When I hear your name, it’s not the same.
No matter what they say, I’m not okay.
And we started at zero, and went different ways.
Now we’re all out here wasting away.

And if we started at zero, then how did things change? It seems like just yesterday we were the same

I miss you.

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Living Again

It’s all in your head. Just get over it. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this. Post-partum depression isn’t something you can wish away. It’s very real, and its something you will need help to get through it. 

Mom, if you’re reading this, I’d like you to stop reading it now.

My post-partum depression started what Gatlin was around three months old. I didn’t want to believe that’s what  it was. I just thought I needed to try harder. I thought wrong. Michael was deployed and  I told him that I thought that I was depressed, and he told me to go to my doctor. I made an appointment and got in to see my doctor. She asked me a series of questions, one of them was “do you feel like crying a lot?” and after she asked that I just wanted to cry. Every question should  asked me, the answer was yes. She put me on the lowest dose of celexa, and I asked if it was safe to use while breastfeeding, since I was currently breastfeeding Gatlin, and she said no. So not only was I going to have to take a pill everyday, but I couldn’t give my son the best nutrition possible. She wrote the prescription and sent me home. 

I was a little relieved and glad that I was going to start feeling better but I felt guilty at the same time. I worked so hard to establish a good supply and I worked through the pain of breastfeeding, just to be told I couldn’t do it anymore. 

The celexa helped a little bit, but not much. The battle as constant. I just kept telling myself to try harder.  No matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t getting any better. 

I don’t know when it started, but I started having suicidal thoughts. I felt like a burden to my family and I thought it would benefit them if I wasn’t here anymore. I let these thoughts go on for a couple weeks before I told Michael. We were laying in bed, just talking and I told him I had to tell him something but that he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. He agreed and I told him. He ended up telling his chief. At first I was upset that he said something. He told me he wouldn’t. 

He took me to the er, and they brought in their psyche evaluator. He asked me why I hadn’t attempted it yet, and it was because I always had my kids with me. I couldn’t do that in front  them or with them.  They don’t deserve that, but I knew they deserved a better mom. The doctor raised my dose of celexa and recommended that I saw a psychiatrist. 

Life is so much better now. I’m so glad I have such a wonderful family and husband who stuck by me through one of my darkest times.